I'm Fine.

                                                                                                       Found on asdfghjkllove.org                                                        

Lately I have been feeling so overwhelmed with life. Overwhelmed with it all- parenting, friendships, mothering, being a wife, being the housekeeper, being well, me. It is just to much. Sometimes things are just to much...Stop...I just lied.. I don't believe that.
I am a person who truly believes you have to keep your body and mind in motion all the time. If you slow down things hit you, they hit you and they hurt. Have you ever noticed that it's easier to pedal the bike when you are already in motion? Or when you are running- your legs don't ache as much if you pick up the pace? When I allow myself to rest or "pump the brakes" it is without a doubt more difficult for me to get back in motion. My grandmother is 80 some years young and this lady refuses to quit. She is sweeping the driveway, planting flowers, grocery shopping (whether she needs groceries or not)-she does all of this after she volunteers as a "Foster Grandparent" in an underprivileged pre-school and this woman still gets her hair and nails done every week to maintain her femininity. She is a force. A force to be admired. It is through her example that I keep moving, keep adding to the pile. Most days I am up for the challenge...but not recently. All of the sudden I started having fears. Are the twins learning? When will they learn their letters? When will everyone in my house stop fighting over the dollar store toys!!!????Am I teaching them to be compassionate enough? Is Jack learning to be a nice boy? Do I yell to much?
I just had it. I was done. I just started crying. It was like a flood gate that had never opened. See I slowed down and I got hit. Hit with overwhelming emotion.
I don't cry in front of my boys; for some reason I always want them to think of me smiling. You know when you lay down at night and you think back through the details of the day? Well it's then, I want them to picture me smiling...(in reality...actually no, I am not even going to speculate how they picture me, that truth might be to much to bare.) Anyway, so here I am crying and one of the twins starts laughing. I couldn't believe it! Then I started crying more! He laughed more! Seriously?! Seriously?! Let us fast forward now to 11:00pm- I am awake-Googling "Empathy" and how to teach your children to be "empathic towards others" for example THIER HYSTERICALLY CRYING MOTHER!
The next morning I was debriefing Michael about the day/night before and I started crying AGAIN! I am lucky. I am lucky to have a husband who truly cares about my emotions and my well being. He hurts when I hurt. He called to check in a little more that day, just making sure I was "fine." That is really I could give him, "I'm Fine."
Our exchange went a lot like this:
Me- "hello?"
Him- "Hey, how's it going? How are you? How are the boys?"
Me- "yup, we're good. we're all fine."
Him- .......... "I love you"......
Me- "I love you"
The night before I had promised myself I was going to count to ten or walk out of the room if either  of the boys started to fight, scream, hit, or demand things that were ridiculous. I was going to teach them through example. So that next day I was not yelling, I was breathing- in out in out breathing- a lot of walking...breathing. It has been five days and I still haven't "yelled." I am reminding myself constantly to breath first and use a filler like "OOkayyy." I am also really trying to get on the boys level and make eye contact with them. Usually, one of the boys takes a toy from another and then someone runs in and starts giving me all the deets-I am usually busy doing something else and I don't even look at them. They get frustrated-think I am not listening- and then they return and seek their own revenge. However, for the past five days I have been pausing, turning, and looking at whoever in the eye while they are speaking. This strategy is amazing FYI, honestly just by doing that little adjustment, whoever calms down and figures out a rational solution independently.
I feel calm. At peace. Calm. Since I had slowed down I knew it would take me a little while to get up an running at my full speed again so I decided to listen to a friends advice and read, "Carry On, Warrior" by Glennon Melton.

Let me just tell you, I drank the kool-aid. This book is one of the best things I could have done for myself. We headed to the beach over the holiday weekend and I figured with a ton of supervising adults someone would obviously watch my children while I basked in the warm sunlight and read this AMAZING INSIGHTFUL WONDERFUL book. My poor brother-in -law and sister -in-law had to listen to me quote the book the entire weekend I am so obsessed with it! Last week I felt like poo and now this week I feel zen. Thank you Heather, my fellow warrior friend. 

And thank you Michael, even though I was reading, I watched you. I saw how much you did with the boys this weekend, so I could heal. You are not only a warrior father but a hero husband. 

***I have to make an addition to this post. I want to say thank you to all you strong wonderful ladies who personally reached out to me. I felt all of your hugs and all of your love yesterday. You are not alone and I know I'm not. I love you all. Lady Love!